Worst day.

So yesterday I went into work, my manager left.  No big deal, we're a small store and we usually only ever have one employee working at any given time.  I was there for about an hour when a group of regulars came in.  A few men with disabilities and their caretaker.  Very nice people, I like to help them.  Well they're browsing, making their selections when the caretaker comes up to me and asks...."Do you have any latex gloves?"  I'm immediately concerned that someone has aids and they're bleeding all over the store (I know that's silly and it wasn't the case.)  But I start looking for the gloves and I can't find any in our cleaning supplies or our first aid kit.  I let her know this and she says, "Okay well we'll just see how he does on his own, where is your bathroom?"  I show her where it is, even though the "bad" feeling is settling in.
So after an hour and twenty minutes she comes back up and lets me know that there has been an accident and she has tried to clean it up but to no avail, she doesn't know what to do, do I have a mop, ect.  Well, I say, "Is it pretty bad?"  To which she responds, "YES!"  I let her know that it was no problem and I would take care of it and not to worry.  She was really embarrassed didn't know what to do....I told her that it would be okay and I'd put an out of order sign on the door until I had some time to clean up.  Well, once things died down in the store I went back to the bathroom to see what had happened.  Well, there was poop everywhere.  I don't know how it GOT everywhere but it was all over the place.  Then, the smell hit me.  And the only toilet is filled to the brim with poop water.  And she has tied up the trashbag with the papertowels that she used to try and clean the mess up with in it, so no trashcan, no toilet, the sink isn't really an option so I throw up all over the poopy floor.  Yeah.  So after cleaning the puke and the poo on the floor I move on to the clogged toilet.  I plunged that toilet for about an hour before I realized that there was probably a shoe in there or something that would not go down and I should probably call the plumber.  I called my manager instead who said to leave the rest for the morning crew. Which is what I did....(sorry.....) But that has to be the worst day of work....ever.  I hope you enjoyed reading it and you didn't gag too much.  As for me, I haven't been able to get the poop smell out of my nose.

Whiner...

I think you should do your job. I think a lot of people don’t do their job, because they don’t like their job. I don’t get that. You know, if you go to a coffee place, and the kid looks at you like, “Uh.” I didn’t come to your house to ask you for coffee. This is a coffee place. Your clothes match the building, I had a right to expect—and you’re closer to the coffee machine.

I don’t know why someone wouldn’t want their job to go really well. And I think usually it’s because they’re twenty. Because they’re twenty-year-old douchebags. I’m prejudiced against twenty year olds. Because, nineteen you’re still your parents’ fault. Twenty, you’re technically an adult, but you still haven’t done anything.

Twenty year olds at their jobs are always like, “This job sucks.” Yes, that’s why we gave it to you! Because you’re twenty. You haven’t done anything. You’ve just been sucking up resources, you’ve just been taking food and love and education and iPods, and taking it and judging—“I like that,” and “Oh, that sucks.” You’re like a big orange on a tree that’s rotting, and the tree is like, “Get off!” and you’re hanging on, “I don’t want to go.” If you’re twenty, you definitely have never done a thing for anybody.

 -Louis C.K. 

Okay, well that long quote has a lot to do with how I've been feeling lately.  I took that job at straight forward because Corry and I were struggling money-wise and he was working so hard and HE hated the job so I figured, why am I so special?  That he works his butt off everyday and I sit at home and pick my nose?  Well, there wasn't really anything that made me so special.  He's my partner and I need to treat him the way that is right.  It's not unreasonable in the least for him to ask me to work.  However, I have another job now!  A job I like!  A job that doesn't make me want to throw myself down the stairs rather than go to!  I don't deal well with being yelled at, and that's all straight forward is.  I'm strapped by the ear to a computer where I sit and have people scream at me all day long.  It sucks.  Oh, there is an "opportunity" to make bonus, but you have to have your schedule adherence at 100%(meaning if I'm 30 seconds late back from break I need to make that up or I'm not eligible) I need to keep my calls under 600 seconds WITHOUT interrupting anyone, and I need to save 75% of the calls that I take.  I HATE this job!  I really do try my best to be good at it and not to complain but seriously sometimes at night I feel tempted to not set my alarm so that I sleep through it.  I've given people credits and discounts that I wasn't supposed to, (though I do think the people I did that for deserved it!), and afterwards hoped that someone would listen to the call and fire me for it.  The thing that REALLY sucks is that we're still struggling I'm unhappy.  I guess at the end of this complain-y rant I'm asking for advice....what do I do?  Should I keep at it and be miserable...is that just life?  To work at a job that makes you feel miserable for a while?  Am I being like the coffee-house 20 year old that Louis CK is talking about?  I feel very conflicted.  

Eeeeek!

So this is the scene at my apartment this morning at 3:00.

I'm sleeping peacefully, dreaming about puppies.  All of a sudden, Corry starts thrashing around SCREAMING at the top of his lungs!  (AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!)  Of course this makes me sit up and start screaming too!  (AAAAAHHHHHHHH AAAAAHHHHHHHH!)  And hyperventilating because I just got woken up from a deep sleep by a grown man screaming.  I grabbed his arm and started shaking him, (at this point we're both still screaming.)  And he sits up, opens his eyes, screams for a few more seconds and then slowly realizes he's awake and stops.  I'm still hyperventilating.  "Holy crap!  What's going on?!"  I say.  He then explains that he had a dream that he was a little kid, and he was sleeping down in his parent's old cellar.  Apparently the cellar door kept popping open, and he was trying to shut it but something kept pushing back from the other side.  This kept happening until the final time, when it popped open before he got back to bed.  He saw that the door to the upstairs of the house was open and he realized his Dad was probably up there.  He also realized that what kept popping open the door was a demon.  At that moment,  I think he saw the demon, and he knew he couldn't get upstairs to his Dad, and he tried to scream but his throat felt closed and he kept trying and trying until he could, but then as he was waking up he saw that our bedroom door was open, and he thought I was the demon grabbing his arm...needless to say it was a scary night!  We prayed together for protection from evil and for good dreams and good thoughts and went back to sleep...but I feel so bad for him!  He said he hadn't felt that scared since he was a little kid!  I thought, wow I know that exact feeling.  Anyways, now I'm wondering if I shouldn't get this apartment blessed.  Why are he and I both feeling so scared of demons?

Jobs and Wedding

I found a job today for Corry in Madison, and my heart is racing with hopefulness.  It's a loan professional position and it offers GREAT benefits.  Benefits so good that I wouldn't be scared about getting married.  One of the reasons that I worry about that now is I would lose my health insurance.  But with this job, seriously everything would be so much better.  It looks like we'd be making at least twice as much money and getting these benefits...I'm just leaping out of my skin!  He's also probably getting a promotion at his current workplace though, so f this job doesn't work out at least he'll have his current job to fall back on.
Also, speaking of weddings, I've just been wedding crazy ever since I found my dress!  I have everything all planned out, I just have to convince Corry that my colors are better than his one color...forest green.  That terd.    

If anyone wants to look at my wedding planning crazy-ness look here at this link!!

http://pinterest.com/emmaleejune/wedding/

Spiritual health and good self-esteem.

Two nights ago before bed Corry turned on a movie called, The Rite.  I groaned inwardly because I could tell by the title that it was a scary movie and I don't like scary movies.  Especially before bed.  Anyways, we watched most of the movie and it really wasn't that scary.  It was a supposedly "true" story about demon possession.  Anyways, he gets tired when there is 20 minutes left of the movie and turns it off.  I went to go to the bathroom, and I felt paralyzed by fear.  Like I said, the movie wasn't that scary, but this wasn't, "creep-ed-out-by-a-scary-movie-scared."  This was fear like I haven't felt since I was a kid.  Like shaking, hyperventilating silent tears scared.  Corry just told me I was bonkers and prayed for me calm me down, and he also accompanied me to the bathroom and checked it for anything scary before I went in, stood outside the door for me and then walked me back to bed.  (He's so sweet and accommodating of my craziness...)  Anyways the next morning this really disturbed me.  I thought about the movie, and it didn't make me scared.  I couldn't understand why I had reacted so strangely.  I told my mommy about it and she said that I must have been spiritually scared.  And last night when we finished the movie, I thought, she must be right.  They say that the way to keep from being possessed and to be able to exorcise someone who is possessed is to have complete faith in God.  I think watching that movie made me scared that maybe I don't have complete faith in God, and maybe because of that he's not here for me.  I mean, do I trust God to make sure that nothing bad happens to me?  Really, I don't.  I want to, but experience tells me that is just not the case.  I think he has better things to do than to intervene every time something bad is going to happen to me.  Do I have enough faith?  It's a weird question.  I'll keep praying for willingness to change and to grow closer to him and hopefully I will.
In other news my wonderful friend Tiffany sent me two beautiful dresses, (a blue vintage taffeta shirtwaist dress and a pink floral number with cute little cap sleeves and a set of vintage pearls!!!)  I feel so blessed to have her as a friend.  She's been going through some stuff that I really understand and empathize with, I think she could use some prayers and some blessings because she is so wonderful!  I will post pictures soon!  Another blessing, I have something to wear to the wedding shower I'm apparently, "planning" for Kristy (Corry's brother's soon to be wife) and to their wedding!  Yay!

Prayers answered?

So, I've been praying a lot that Corry will find a job that really challenges him and makes him happy.  The other day at work he got really fed up of the politics there and the people and he went to one of his supervisors and asked him about the logistics of going down to part time so he could find another part-time job.  His supervisor told him to hold tight for just a little longer, and the next day, pointed out a trainer position that has just opened up.  A position that Corry has interviewed once before and was passed up for, but still!  And today another supervisor pointed out that same position to him!  Maybe this is God answering my prayers!  I sure hope so...because I do feel Corry feeling dissatisfied that he has worked so hard in life, and there were times where he was doing really well for himself, only to be pushed back down to the bottom and made to start at entry-level jobs.  He has mentioned how he feels the mark of Cain on himself, and that makes me so sad!  Another thing is that the movie store here in town is hiring part-time, and so is the bank across town.  I think I'll put in applications there considering the weather is nicer now and Abbe and Luke can walk home from school.  They walk with me here everyday anyways...but it seems like finally I'm getting a response from God.  Maybe it's because now I'm asking for more than just what I want, I've been asking for a willingness to change my ways and direction in my life.  Maybe my life isn't glitz and glamour.  Maurissa has recently expressed disappointment in what I've chosen in life.  She has mentioned before that she always imagined me being rich...but that isn't what I want.  I know some people might laugh at this but I'm really not a "things" person.  I'm happy being poor, some of the best years of my life I was poor (money-wise) but really rich as far as having family who just loved the poobers out of me and I was able to do the things I loved.  I'm praising God today either way.  Even if Corry doesn't get this promotion, and even if I don't get either of the jobs I'm applying for, God has given me hope that it can happen.  That there are still opportunities out there for us.  I would hate very much to become stuck.

Guilty

Guilty is definitely the word that I would use to describe how I'm feeling.  Corry works really hard, he's been working 10 hours a day lately, and it's too much.  I can see from how he is when he comes home that the stress is just crushing in on him.  I wish that he had a job that he liked...especially because he works so hard so that I can stay home.  I've been babysitting whenever I can, picking up odd jobs to make things easier...but all of our major bills are still his responsibility.  Last night he came home and told me right away that he had a terrible day at work...and I just steamrolled him (conversation wise) and told him about MY day.  I'm sure that he just wanted to vent for a little while and I couldn't even let him do that...
I know his job sucks, and he hates sales.  I mean, if pretty much anyone thinks about how they treat someone who calls trying to sell something...well it's not very nice.  I know even knowing that my love is one of those people I'm still fairly rude on the phone to sales people.  So I've been looking for a different job for him, looking for something that would make him more fulfilled, and the only thing that's really standing out to me is moving to North Dakota so that he can work for the oil companies in an office job or something.  I think that's something he'd like and the cost of living doesn't appear to be as much there.  I don't want to leave my family behind, I know that leaving my Mommy would be beyond hard for me,  I just want to be able to have a life with him where he isn't so stressed all the time.  I'm trying to be as good to him as he is to me.  We could really use prayers in this area.

Hm Hm Hm....

I've been feeling stagnant lately, despite the fact that so many things have been going well for me.  I have a great life, I get to see my brother and sister everyday, and through that help my mom out.  I am engaged to the most wonderful man in the world who thinks I'm the greatest thing since anything.  I just can't help feeling...just kind of blank.  I'm happy, don't get me wrong.  I just feel like there are so many things I'd like to do and I feel so far from accomplishing them.  I want to lose this baby weight, I want to plan my wedding and get married, I want to get to a place where Corry is happy in his job and we're more than comfortable money-wise.  (We're doing much better with money, lately.  We're all caught up and things are hardly tight, we just needed time to learn to budget!!)  I want kids!  I've been praying a lot for direction and guidance, and I am just not hearing any answers.  Maybe for now I'm supposed to just stay put and be in this happy place?  I guess I need to spend some time with the bible.

This feeling...

I'm feeling very sad this morning.  I think I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed...but I just feel sick with sadness.  I kind of want to go wake up Corry and curl up in his arms, but I don't want to wake him.
Does anyone else just wake up feeling so lonely?

Spring!!!

I'm so thrilled with this warm weather.  I spent some time with Karen today, and then I went on a long walk around town to go get Abbe and Luke, it was almost TOO warm, and right now having all the windows open in our apartment, it feels pretty warm!!  Almost stuffy!  It's better than freezing to death and slipping around on the snow though.
Corry and I are starting to put together a wedding binder, just any ideas we like for our wedding so that we can figure out how much we're going to spend on it and save up.  It's really exciting!  It's funny, for so long I just settled on boys, (Mathew and even Noah, mainly...) knowing that they weren't the perfect person for me but living with it because I wanted to be loved so much.  Corry really is perfect.  He makes me feel so special, and even though he is definitely a terd, I like his terdiness.  I'm happy that I'm going to be his wife.
Another great thing is our house is very clean and we've finally put pictures up on the wall!  Yay!

Grrrr...

I'm having some issues with a certain person in my life.  I'll keep that vague, because I don't really want to get into a fight, I just need to vent. I'm also sure that people feel this way about me, but that's okay.
Okay....so....
I'm sick of people saying uncharitable things about me behind my back.  I'm sick of people pointing out the speck, (okay it may be a log,) in my eye when they have a log in theirs.  I'm sick of this holier-than-thou, high-falutin', better than you in every way and don't you even TRY to live up to my standard of living militant bull-poop.
If this person really tried to live to the standard that they believe that they do they would,
1. Be more understanding.
2. Lead by example.
3. Draw others in through encouragement, rather than by tearing others down.
I mean, I can learn from all those things too.  But there is one person in particular, a person that I've spent a lot of time lately FUMING about who has been particularly unkind to me and has really just been pushing my buttons.  I don't even want to see this person anymore because I feel they are TOXIC.  I know I have already labeled my Dad as toxic, and decided I didn't want him in my life anymore.  I would hate to become a person who always needs someone to feel angry at, but this other person I have felt this way about for quite some time.  Unfortunately I can't just cut this person out of my life, the logistics don't make sense.  So I will just have to learn how to let their nasty comments roll off my back, because honestly, I don't care about their opinion anyways.

News!!!

Be patient with me.

I have been really struggling learning to be more disciplined.  In a lot of ways.  I went to the doctor the other day, and I'm 170 lbs.  That's the heaviest I've ever been.  Also, just the simple matter of keeping the apartment clean sometimes seems like too much.  I've been trying.  Last night I got the apartment totally cleaned.  I cleaned the floors, the walls, the furniture...it feels nice to be relaxing in here today now that it's so clean.  It SMELLS great too, I didn't realize how gross the house smelled until I got it cleaned up.  : /  So I could use a prayer for that I guess.

Feelings...

Since I've gotten back from MN I'm just so up and down!  One minute I'm happy and goofy and smiling and the next minute I'm crying and I just want to hit whoever has the misfortune of being next to me, (usually Corry...)  I don't know what's wrong with me!  I think it's the weather or missing my family or the fact that I haven't been getting much sleep or maybe I haven't been active enough...I feel like how I did when I was 14.  Just all over the place.  I wish I could get myself under control and act like a normal person.  Oh well...I'm sure I'm just going through a restless phase. Corry's brother got our computer fixed, which makes me happy.  It's nice to have one again, I forget how convenient the internet is when I have it, and then when we don't I find that I've lost the chinese takeout number, or I want to look up Walgreen's hours before I go out to get Tums.  Stuff like that.  I'm glad to have that back.

I love my Mommy!

Lately I've been thinking a lot of my Mom.  She is my best friend in the whole world and I love her very much.  Since I've moved out though, we haven't seen much of each other.  It's weird to not come home every night and spend time with her.  Now we see each other maybe once a week, other than when she comes to pick up the kids and even then it's only for a few minutes.  The other day we got the opportunity to spend a WHOLE DAY together and it was GREAT!  We laughed and joked and talked and it was just really nice to see her...I'm going to miss her when she moves to MN.  But I'm glad for her that she gets to go back home, and excited for the new possibilities that might meet her there.  I guess I'll just have to move there too!!

STRESS

I feel like my stomach is in my throat and I'm choking on it.  Corry and I can't seem to be nice to each other the last couple of days as hard as we try.  The culprit, stress.  Centered around money, as usual.  Only this time the problem isn't me not working, it's me working.  Once again a friend of Corry's mom has asked me to do some quickbooks work for him.  I'm happy to enter receipts and so on, but some of what he needs is me fixing his W2s for his workers and figuring out his taxes.  I told him last time he asked me to do this that I really don't have the experience and I didn't want to do it.  I told him entering receipts is fine, but anything that could put him or me in jail over is not.  Well, he went to his sister who is a CPA and asked her to do it, but she's right in the middle of tax season herself so she didn't have the time.  So he came back to me and told me that if I called his sister she would help me with any questions I had.  The problem is, I have questions about EVERYTHING.  He had been doing his books himself for a while and the numbers are totally wrong.  I don't have all the tools I need to fix the wrong numbers and even if I did, the work is TEDIOUS.  It just makes me want to cry and pout, but I know that this is a good opportunity and so on....I don't know.  I'm just all jumbled.  I am going to try for this guy, but if it gets to be the end of this week and I still don't know what I'm doing he's just going to have to figure something else out.  I don't want to be responsible for putting anyone in jail.  Well, sorry for the whining fest.  Some "good" news from me is, Corry's X-Box was broken for a while, and we had tried for a long time, (unsuccessfully,) to fix it.  So since we couldn't get it to work we were going to take it back apart, make it look like we hadn't been messing around with it, and send it in to Microsoft, where they'll fix it for $100.  But Corry decided that before he took it apart again he'd plug it in and test it one more time, and miraculously, it worked!  I don't know how that even happened but it was pretty cool!  That's $100 saved!  Hooray!

Another day...

Today I'm watching Taylor again, and he's feeling better which is a relief.  Today browsing through Netflix trying to find something for him to watch I kept seeing things that reminded me of when Abbe and Luke were little, and then of Maurissa and Me being little.  Abbe LOVED Elmo, Blues Clues, Veggietales, Max and Ruby and Cyberchase.  Luke loved Bob the Builder, Thomas the Tank Engine and his Creepy Creatures.  Maurissa and I watched pretty much every Disney movie religiously, The Land Before Time, Barney, Kidsongs, Lamb Chop, Mr. Rodgers, Sesame Street (back when it was still AWESOME!)  Anyways that just got me thinking about the things I want Corry and My kids to see someday...I want them to watch learning about letters and learning about numbers, I want them to see Thomas and Mr. Rodgers and all the kids shows we used to watch that weren't all lights and colors and no imagination.  I even think what Abbe and Luke watched as kids was better than the popular kids shows today...at least they taught them about good things.  Anyways, another thing I was thinking of is Sleep Sound in Jesus.  Before I really knew how to pray I was listening to that before bed and it was very comforting.  Needless to say I'm feeling really nostalgic today...If only for one day I could go back in time and spend a day pretending with Missy, or cuddling with Abbe and Luke.  I feel really lucky that I had such a good childhood and that I have such great memories of it.  I miss those days, but it makes me feel happy that I can someday try to be as good of a mom as my Mom, and that my babies will have a good daddy like Corry, awesome grandparents like Karen and Wayne and my Mom, aunts and uncles like Abbe and Luke and Maurissa, and even the BEST Great-Grandparents in the world!  Mamma and Grandpa Jim.  I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful family. 

Working it!!

So the last two days I've been babysitting, which is nice because it gives me something to do during the day and also because it gets me up and moving.  I've gained quite a bit of weight since the pregnancy and I've been looking to lose it.  So when I put Taylor down for a nap I've been going on netflix and working out to the workout videos they've put on there.  I've been doing pilates the last couple days and I feel GREAT!!  I have a nice, constant burn in my muscles that I haven't felt in a long time, and there is so much stretching involved in the workouts that my muscles also feel all stretched out and great.  So I'm pretty sure after a couple months of this, even if I don't lose much weight I'll be stronger and that's a good goal!  I don't necessarily want to get thinner, just more toned and strong.  That way when Corry and I do decide to try again for a baby, I'll go into the pregnancy healthy and strong.  I always thought that I hated working out but I've really been enjoying it the last couple days...I hope I can stick with it. 

Cookin'

 I've been doing more cooking lately than I usually do.  I don't mean that I never make dinner but usually it's something like Hamburger Helper.  I've been doing REAL cooking lately.  When Corry's sister Joelle was over her and I made some pot pies.  One was chicken, sweet corn, carrots and peas with a rue and bouillon gravy.  The best part was a crisp potato topping.  The other was a red wine and rue gravy over beef, tomatoes, red peppers and mashed with cheese and a biscuit topping.  Both I think could have been better, I have ideas to improve them next time I make them.  The other thing Corry and I made that was REALLY good is tacos.  Corry's brother Chad gave us a TON of spare ribs and we didn't really know what to do with them.  We tried barbecuing them but there was so much fat and gristle on them it wasn't really enjoyable like that.  So Corry had the idea to cook them in the crock pot, then clean all the fat and gristle, shred the meat and turn it into tacos!!!  It was a GREAT success.  I haven't had tacos that good in a long while.  But next time you're at the store and you're considering buying a packet of taco seasoning for $3.....do it for WAY cheaper at home.  We found a recipe for taco seasoning online today that was even better than the store bought stuff, in my opinion and it is made with stuff that I know almost everyone has in their spice cupboard. 

1 tablespoon chili powder

1/4 teaspoon garlic powder

1/4 teaspoon onion powder

1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes

1/4 teaspoon dried oregano

1/2 teaspoon paprika

1 1/2 teaspoons ground cumin

1 teaspoon sea salt

1 teaspoon black pepper

This made about an average packet full of taco seasoning mix.  We also put a fresh jalapeno and about a 1/4 cup of salsa in our meat, (we cooked 3 packages of spare ribs and after it was all cooked it was about a pound of meat, roughly,) and it was really REALLY good.  I love to cook, and when things go as nicely as they did today and your plans turn out great, it makes me more excited to make great meals.  It's really satisfying to go into your cupboard and think, what can I make with what I have?  Tomorrow, we're going to make a pork roast with sauerkraut and dumplings, and I think I might make some candied carrots to have along with that.  Maybe I'll even make snicker doodles for dessert, who knows?! 



Company

So, this weekend and the beginning of this week I spent a lot of time having, "Company."  It was fun to meet new people, Corry's sister Autumn and her fiancee and his sister Joelle and her puppy, Pixie.  Then we spent an afternoon with his brother Chad.  I am SO glad to have the house back to Corry and myself.  It's nice to spend time with people but I'm definitely a homebody.