Christmas

Well, this was a very nice Christmas this year.  It hasn't felt much like Christmas, but I got to see my family and we talked a lot.  I feel good about that, I've always felt like we don't have enough time to just talk and ask each other questions and enjoy each other's company.  I had a really nice time last night staying up late talking to my Mommy and Mamma.  We all have a lot in common.  I miss Corry and I can't wait to see him, but I am glad that I had this time to be with everyone.

Weekend report

Well, this weekend went by really quickly.  On Friday I attempted some good old fashioned "cook with what you've got home cooking."  This is something I have NEVER been good at.  I admit, when I can go online and look at recipes for hours, then find one, then modify, then go buy all the ingredients...I can make something pretty awesome.  (My cornish game hens, my thyme and tomato salmon, my wine marinated pot roast.)  But when I look through a cupboard and I have hardly anything, it's hard for me to envision a meal out of what I have.  However, since Corry worked all week and only had an apple to take to work for lunch, I stepped up my game and made TUNA CASSEROLE!  The reason I did this is because we had mostly everything I needed to make it and I was confident that I could modify the recipe with what I had.  The other reason I did this is, well, I was trying to be sweet and have dinner ready for Corry when he got home!  It wasn't very good.  I overseasoned it and my timing was off so the finished tuna casserole sat on the oven for an hour and then went back in before I went to pick him up from work, so the noodles got overdone, I had added a can of mushrooms for extra vegetables and it didn't work...the whole consistency was slimy and mushy.  Except for the crackers I mushed up on top, (the recipe I was looking at called for french fried onions...I was improvising!!)  So, I am not the comfort food queen.  Sue me. 
Saturday I woke up and went over to my wonderful Mom's house for a day of, "helping," and, "cleaning."  I cleaned a bit, but first I had some burritos.  Then we decided to just go finish our Christmas shopping.  And that's what we did.  So sorry I didn't help soooo much Mommy, we did get something productive done though!  On the way home Corry called and told me that we were FINALLY going to get our couch!  After a month and a half of sitting on the floor, we were finally going to get something to sit on.  So we got that in and since then we've been glued to it when we get home. 
Sunday we spent a bit of time with Corry's friend Nate, literally a BIT of time.  He called and asked if he could come over and we said, yes but we're leaving at 4 to go have dinner with Corry's dad.  He got here at 4:15.  So we said hey, we talked for 5 minutes, then we left and went to Cimarolli's.  Which has...the best...steak...ever.  Corry's Dad and Stepmom were very nice.  I enjoyed meeting them and speaking with them, they got me a little wax fragrance melter that looks like a frying pan.  It's really adorable.  So, we're on the nice list on that side of the family again, which is a relief.  Corry was pretty sad when he and his Dad were fighting, and I can tell last night made him pretty happy which made me happy, too. 
So that was our weekend, and this week I'm going to be cleaning the crap out of the apartment, then leaving on Friday morning to go to Christmas!  I can't wait to see everyone!

A letter to my baby

So, when I was pregnant Corry and I had been keeping a baby journal.  Just a journal full of things that we wanted our baby to know one day.  A picture of who we were and what we were feeling.  When I miscarried we decided that we were going to burn the journal as kind of a funeral.  I was looking through the journal and I saw this entry and after reading my Mamma's blog about my Papa, I decided I wanted to post this entry.

Dear Baby,
I wanted to tell you more about your Grandparents.  Your Great Mamma, who I've mentioned before, her name is Sandra Ida, but most people call her Sandi.  She is fun and warm and nice and smart and also a little bonkers.  Sometimes she'll freak out and call people, "COCK EYED PIGS!"  but it's something that she'll laugh about later.  She loves to laugh.  I love her very much.  I think the reason I love makeup and looking pretty so much is because of her.  She taught me all about that stuff when I was little, and let me practice on her.  Your Mamma is the best cook, and I hope by the time you're born I'll know how to make gravy as good as her, but I doubt it.  She's the best.  Your biological Great Papa's name was Gilbert.  People called him Gil.  He was the kindest, gentlest man I have ever known, (but your Daddy is a like him in a LOT of ways.)  Papa loved to sing.  He and Mamma sang together all the time, in church and at home.  I miss the music that they made together, and I bet she does, too.  She doesn't sing quite as much anymore.  Papa delighted in all the things the people he loved did.  He was always there for us with a laugh and a smile and a compliment.  He gave the best hugs and he could fix anything that was broken, except for his lungs I guess.  No one ever actually expected that a stupid disease could beat such a strong and exuberant man.  Maybe that's why no one has gotten over his death, even 10 years later.  It feels like it should have never happened.  He left behind such a BIG hole in all our hearts, I STILL cry regularly, missing him so much.  He would have been so excited that you are on your way.  I think he would have been really, really happy to be your Great Papa.  Someday you'll get to meet him though, and until then you won't be without a Great Grandpa.  Mamma remarried to your Great Grandpa Jim.  He is a very nice man.  He likes books and sports and he loves his grandkids.  I'm sure you'll love him like I do.  Anyways I just wanted to tell you about them.  I love you my sweet baby, Mommy.

There is a lot to be sad about in this world, but there is so much to be thankful for too.  I'm really glad that my baby isn't all alone.  I'm really happy that I've had and still have so many people that love me.  It's still hard though, to cope with loss.  It makes it all the more important to appreciate each other while we're still on earth.

Love

So, this is the first year where deciding where to spend Christmas was hard for me.  Corry and I were going to go together to my Mamma's house, which I was excited for because I can't wait for him to be a part of my family.  I want everyone to love him as much as I do.  Unfortunately, his work only gave him two days off for Christmas, and he can't take off any of the surrounding days.  So needless to say, I was totally bummed out.  My best Christmas memories have always been made at Mamma's.  However, I didn't want to leave Corry alone on Christmas.  Especially after everything we've been through lately, it just seemed mean.  I was hemming and hawing over this for weeks, but Corry just kept telling me that it was okay if I went to MN.  He told me that he would obviously be sad that we wouldn't be spending our first Christmas together, but that he knew how important it was for me to be with my family.  I am so relieved that I don't have to worry about hurting his feelings or anything and so thankful that he's so understanding of this.  It's things like this that make me love him so much.  I've thought I was in love before, but REALLY being in love now makes me laugh at those "relationships."  None of my exes ever took care of me while I was sick, or comforted me while I was hurting.  Corry has done that many times already.  None of my ex boyfriends ever told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world, they always said that I couldn't expect to be that for someone.  Corry tells me that I am the most beautiful girl in the world every day, more than once.  He pampers me, he cooks me dinner, he laughs when he comes home and the house is a mess, and he praises me for the things I DID do that day.  He talks to me for hours every night when he comes home from work, and he always snuggles me to sleep. 
I have a bad habit of doing too much "venting."  Obviously there are things about Corry that drive me NUTS.  However, he really is the love of my life.  I want so much to become Mrs. Emmalee Locke.  I want to have kids with him because I know he'd be a great and doting Dad.  I can tell by the way he teaches Luke to make split pea soup, and how he takes him fishing.  I can tell by the way he's always kind to Abbe and listens to her when she talks about her friends and stuff, (things that I have a hard time listening to.)  I love him so, so much.  I'm excited for next year when we can all spend Christmas together.

Record player

All I can think about is babies.  I'm sure this blog is looking a lot like how my mind feels.  It doesn't matter where I am, everything makes me think about the baby Corry and I lost.  I keep wanting to try again for another one, even though I know the timing is all wrong with our financial situation being like it is.  I just want to know HOW I'm supposed to move on and forget about becoming a mother?  For months all I seemed to talk or think about was becoming a parent.  It was something that made Corry and I both feel better about our lives.  It was a dream of ours that was coming true.  We know that we'll never be rich, but knowing that we could be parents was really comforting.  So what now?

A tribute to a WONDERFUL woman.

This is my Mamma, Sandi.  I love her so, so much.  My Mamma is one of the most wonderful cooks in the whole world.  Eating a meal from her hands at her table will melt off all your worries and cares.  My Mamma loves to laugh, and her laugh makes everyone else laugh, just because it is such a happy sound.  My Mamma is one of the most compassionate women in the world, no matter what kind of trouble I've gotten myself into, she's never stopped loving me.  And even when she knew I was making mistakes, when I realized it too she was never there with a, "I told you so," but with a consoling hug.  If I was to continue extolling her virtues this entry would never end. 
If I could be a fraction of the woman she is I would be so proud.  When I was a little girl I used to think Liz Taylor was my Mamma, but the truth is, Liz doesn't hold a candle to Sandi.  No one does.  I love you, Mamma.

Family

I'm 100% sure that there is nothing in this world that makes me happier than my family.  I'm sure that for them I'm a total bummer to be around or talk to right now, but I'm thankful that they continue to be there when I need them.

It's Over

Well, there is nothing in me now that would ever prove that I had been pregnant.  Yesterday was terrible.  I'm really glad that Corry was there to support me, and he did a wonderful job.  He is so good to me.  I'm sorry I wasn't there for him that much. 
I read about what it was going to be like.  I talked to the doctor, my mom and my mother in law.  None of it prepared me.  First of all, my water actually broke.  I was not expecting that.  Second of all, my baby did NOT look like a piece of liver.  It was not concealed in any way.  It looked like my baby boy.  He was tiny, but at least I got to hold him, even though I was afraid to.  Third I bled so much that there was blood all over the floor of the kitchen and all over the bathroom.  Sorry to be graphic. 
Corry didn't have to deal with all that.  He didn't have to hold me and talk to me while I cried through my cramps.  Yesterday was just as emotionally hard for him as it was for me, so if he had left I would have understood.  But he didn't leave.  He took care of the baby, I didn't want him flushed down the toilet so he went to the river buried him there.  He cooked for me and hugged me the whole day.  I am really thankful to have such a good man. 

12/4/11

It is my love's birthday today.  The celebration is pretty low-key, we're just sitting around and enjoying each other.  I asked him if he's having a "happy" birthday and his answer was something that I thought I should share.

"I'm thankful.  I'm thankful that I have you here with me, and that we found each other.  I'm thankful for this apartment, even if we have trouble paying for it sometimes.  I'm thankful for our families and how they love and support us.  The world isn't always a happy place, but I'm thankful that I'm a part of it."

Miscarriage

That is one of the most awful words in the English language.  Miscarriage.  If I'm honestly supposed to feel like losing my baby wasn't my fault, why is that the word that describes what happened?  The word doesn't sound like a probable chromosomal imbalance, it sounds like I flubbed or something.
I'm never going to forget how awful yesterday was.  My first baby, the baby Corry and I were so excited for, died and then stayed within me for 5 weeks.  I didn't even know.  I was writing letters to the baby, Corry was speaking to it through my tummy, and all the while it just wasn't there.  It feels insane.  It feels like some type of practical joke.  If this morning I had woken up and I wasn't bleeding, I would have continued on like it was one.
I know lots of people go through this, I know that something like 15% of pregnancies end this way, but you never expect anything like this to happen to you.  I'm just glad that I know that our baby is in heaven, and my Papa and Corry's grandma and all my relatives are there holding the baby.  And someday I'll be able to meet the baby too, just not this May.
Corry really needs prayers right now.  This has been really devastating to him, almost more than it was to me. It's really making him doubt his faith, and I'm worried for his emotional health right now too.  He's wanted a family for so long, and just when he thought he had it it's been torn away from him.  So, prayers would be good.  I could use them too, prayers that I'll be able to find a good job soon, since I'm not going to be a stay at home Mommy anymore.